The Impossibilities of Why...

There are questions that I am planning to ask God when I get to heaven. I have known for forever that God’s plans for us are bigger than our own and that He has it all figured out. However, when tragedy strikes it is impossible not to question why. Such as…why is there so much suffering in our world? Why do children have to go to bed hungry? And why did He have to take my baby in a miscarriage?

I know that there is a debate about when life begins. I am of the mindset that it begins with conception. The conception part, for my husband and I, had been a struggle.  In all honesty, we were in the midst of three years of infertility when tragedy struck. This struggle consisted of  medication, prayer, hoping against all hope that it worked, and dealing with the crushing blow when it hadn’t. This was our reality month after month, year after year. One would think that after a while the disappointment would somehow lessen. It didn’t. 

When I finally became pregnant after such a long struggle, it was incredibly surreal. Then in what seemed like an instant, my baby, the little life that God lovingly placed inside me, was gone. Until this moment I never knew true emptiness. The doctor tried his best to console me, but failed miserably. He told me that when women suffer a miscarriage, we already have the picture of a cute and cuddly baby in our heads. So it should be easier to grieve knowing that my baby hadn't gotten to the cute and cuddly stage yet. It wasn’t. I stayed in my bed and let the grief bury me. I cried until there were no tears left to cry. Yet, even after I picked myself up and went back to my day to day life, I knew a small part of me went to heaven with my little one and would remain there. 

I read somewhere that giving my baby a name would help me heal. So I chose the name Riley because it was fitting for either a boy or a girl. But, if I'm being honest, I've always pictured Riley as a girl for some reason. I've dreamt of her running around in heaven with my long wavy red hair and her daddy's green eyes.

It has been quite some time. The pain has softened over the years. God gave me the peace I needed. I know that I am unbelievably blessed. I have three beautiful boys. Two grew in my womb and God gave me my youngest because he needed a mommy. I am so grateful to God for all that I have. I sometimes feel selfish for the feelings I have. Then again, a mother's heart, whether our children reside on earth or in heaven is unlike any other. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my children. I know God understands this. How could He not? He gave His son for me. I could never fathom that sacrifice. Nor would I ever want to.

My niece, Jessica, lost her daughter just before Christmas weeks shy of her due date. She is still reeling from the excruciating loss. I want so much to be able to comfort her, but I know that only our Heavenly Father is capable of doing so. All I can give her is love and prayers that don't cease. 

Whether our children are lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, sickness, or another tragedy know that they are being cared for by their creator. And believe it or not, He loves them so much more than we ever could. They don't know pain, fear, hunger, loss. They only know love...God's love. If they can't be in our arms, they are in His.

I heard a song the other day called "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott. It's a song about miscarriage. There is a line that says, "Sometimes I gotta stop. Remember that you're God and I am not." At the time I didn't know what it was about, but tears streamed down my cheeks all the same. It encompasses so much in life.

I take a great amount of comfort in knowing that I will meet my child someday soon when my time on earth is done. Until then I will love on those here who need it. And who knows, when the day finally arrives when I'm embracing my little one and meeting Jesus for the first time I may just forget that there was something I'd been meaning to ask Him.