He Grew In Your Belly. He Grew In My Heart

Dear CR,

Today is Mothers Day and you are on my mind. I think of you often actually. It’s hard not to as I see so much of you in our little man. He has your eyes and your smile. His is so mischievous at times. It usually gives his intentions away.

He is brilliant and highly creative. I know this comes from you. He has been learning sign language for the past two years and he knows so many words I’ve still yet to learn. His little hands go a mile a minute while I’m busy looking them up on my sign language app. He breezed right on through his first year of preschool. He is a social butterfly. He makes friends everywhere he goes. Right now he is all about sports. He loves playing football, excels in basketball and is doing great in soccer. Last week he scored two goals. One was for the other team, but who's counting. He would read books all day, every day if he could. He is so sweet and feisty. He definitely has no problem communicating. Just the other morning, he was clearly not feeling being awake. I was busy and chatting away. He walked by and under his breath I heard, “ Deez, you’d so hypo.” Little stinker. 😂

Last Mother's Day I found my eyes glistening from unfathomable awe and unbearable grief. You see, my awe comes in immense waves of unparalled gratitude that I am still attempting to wrap my head around. I feel this every time I look at him.

My grief comes when our son asks about how he came to be with me. I thought I had some time. I knew that as he got older he would have many, many questions. But, he has always been incredibly observant. So, that time is now. I tell him that he grew in your belly and grew in my heart. He actually asked how there was room with Jesus living there also. He asked me if he played with him there. I just chucked and said yes.

I was raised never knowing my biological father. I grew up with so many questions. I always felt that something in my life was missing. I lived a very full life. I was raised by a wonderful mother and stepfather. I was very close to my grandparents. But, with that being said, I still had doubts in myself. I felt that if I were so special my father would not have left me. Finding him took 45 years. I didn’t realize just how much I needed to meet him and have my questions answered until I found him. Someday Lincoln will inevitably doubt himself. He will one day ask to meet you. Now, you are certainly not indebted to. But, just know that the door will be open. Does this thought scare me? Yes, it terrifies me. An adoptive parent has some insecurities. But, from the very beginning, I have prayed for the best outcome for Lincoln. From the day I stood on the curb of my grandfather's church, at the age of eight, and promised God that I would one day adopt a child from foster care. He loved Linky even then, planning for him thirty-three years before he was born.

I hope you know that God loves you also and has long before you were born. He sees exactly how our lives will play out. We are made to fulfill a purpose. I had a teacher once tell me that God sees our suffering and will one day use even our worst experiences to help others. It doesn’t only help others, however. In helping them, He restored my faith. And in using my experiences for the good of others, I find peace knowing that my hurt wasn't in vain. You have a lifetime ahead of you. I pray that you will find an abundance of love, joy, and the happiness that comes from our heavenly father's love for us.

I want you to know that I don’t, and never will, take the sacrifice you made for our little guy lightly. He is the very best parts of you and his father. I see that every day. He is so, so blessed.
All that you’ve will be with him for as long as he lives. All that you’ve given me is priceless. I know that I will never live up to such a incredibly gift. A simple thank you will never suffice. But I promise that I will spend every single day of my attempting to do just that, honoring and cherishing his little heart and soul with everything I have. On this you have my word.

From the very depths of my heart, thank you. This day is for you as much as it is for me.